You might hear the word “boundaries” and imagine walls that separate you from other people. In a sense, that’s true. But boundaries aren’t necessarily a bad thing. In fact, they’re an important ingredient in healthy, balanced relationships. They’re also a crucial part of maintaining your identity, mental health, and physical well-being.
Boundaries can include restrictions on physical actions, such as asking a roommate or partner not to look through your phone or not to interrupt when you’re working from home. They can also be psychological, such as asking your spouse to accept that your goals and dreams may not always be the same as theirs.
Healthy boundaries serve to:
Without healthy boundaries, your relationships can become toxic and unsatisfying and your well-being can suffer. You might feel taken advantage of if a friend keeps asking for money, for example, or feel overwhelmed by stress if you feel the need to solve all of your partner’s emotional problems. Or if a parent continually invades your privacy, you’ll likely feel resentful. Similarly, if you continually ignore another person’s boundaries, you risk making them feel uncomfortable and damaging the relationship.
Boundaries aren’t just necessary in your personal relationships, though. They’re also needed in the workplace, where coworkers or managers might monopolize your time or disregard your needs. Unhealthy boundaries at work can also follow you home and reduce the quality of your personal life.
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One study showed that when boundaries are blurred between personal life and work, people experience more emotional exhaustion and less happiness. On the other hand, setting boundaries, particularly when it comes to job duties, can lead to a greater sense of empowerment.
Learning how to set and maintain boundaries can change many aspects of your life, ranging from work to family relations to dating. It all starts with understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries.
Types of healthy boundaries
Personal boundaries can come in many forms. However, not every relationship requires you to address every type of boundary. For example, you might need to set physical restrictions with a coworker but not financial ones.
Physical boundaries help keep you comfortable and safe, not just when you’re dealing with strangers, but also when you’re interacting with those closest to you. For example, you might tell someone that you’d prefer handshakes instead of hugs. Or you could tell a friend that you need to take a rest during a lengthy bike ride. If a physical space belongs to you, you can set limitations around that as well. Perhaps you don’t want someone to intrude in your bedroom or clutter your office with their items.
Sexual boundaries could involve anything from asking for consent before being physically intimate to checking in with your partner’s comfort level during sex. Even if you’ve been with your partner for years, you should make an ongoing habit of communicating your preferences. You might want to reassess limitations and expectations surrounding things like frequency of sex and contraception use.
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Emotional boundaries ensure that others are respectful of your emotional well- being and internal comfort level. When setting an emotional boundary, you might say something like, “I don’t want to talk about this subject while I’m at work because I need to focus.” You might also use these barriers to prevent yourself from feeling overwhelmed by other people’s feelings. For example, you can acknowledge you’re not responsible for how another person reacts to your decision to turn them down for a second date.
Material/financial boundaries extend to your belongings, such as money, clothing, car, or home. If you’re a charitable person, you might have a hard time saying “no” to people who want to borrow items. However, people may intentionally or unintentionally take advantage of your goodwill, and then you may notice your own resentment building. When setting a material restriction, you might say something like, “You can borrow my phone charger, but please put it back when you’re done” or “No, I can’t loan you money for new shoes.”
Time boundaries allow you to focus on your priorities at work and in your personal life without feeling crowded by other people’s needs and wants. Imagine that you’ve had a stressful work week and want to spend the weekend recuperating. You might decline a party invite or set a limit on how long you’ll be there. Other time-related restrictions could include asking a friend to avoid calling you during work hours or asking a partner to delay an important conversation until a more convenient time.
Shifting boundaries
Boundaries aren’t etched in stone. You’ll need to adjust them as circumstances change and relationships grow. This can be especially true in long-term relationships. Communication is important as you reevaluate and revise your boundaries. You want the other person to be clear on the change and the reason behind it.
Examples of shifting boundaries
| Initial boundary | New boundary |
|---|---|
| You initially have loose financial boundaries with family members and help them pay bills when necessary. | You lost your job, so you decide to set tighter boundaries to protect your financial well-being. |
| You often agree to work extra weekend hours to help a coworker. | You cut back on hours so you can spend more time with your newborn. |
| You allow a friend to vent their emotions to you daily. | The oversharing of information affects your mental health, so you set a limit on how often you talk about the subject. |
| You and your partner have sex multiple times a week. | |
| You allow your brother-in-law to temporarily use your garage for storage. | You need the space for your own needs, so you talk to him about relocating his items. |
Unhealthy boundaries
Unhealthy boundaries often tend to be either too rigid or too porous. Healthy ones fall somewhere between these two extremes.
Rigid boundaries keep other people at a distance, even loved ones. Maybe you refuse to talk about your emotions with your partner or rarely set aside time to meet with friends.
Porous or weak boundaries develop when you have a hard time saying “no” to others. For example, you might be too willing to take on all the responsibilities in a relationship. Or maybe you tend to overshare when talking with strangers.
There are many reasons why people may consistently struggle with unhealthy boundaries, such as:
. Some people use boundaries to manipulate others. For example, a person might use rigid boundaries to stonewall conversations, refusing to engage with you until you do what they want.
. If you’re afraid of a romantic partner walking out of your life because of your flaws, you might hesitate to be emotionally open with them.
. If you grew up surrounded by people who set poor personal boundaries, managing proper ones can be a challenge. You might think that invading other people’s personal space is normal because your parents and siblings regularly did it to you.
. If you’re too eager to please other people, you might allow them to do things that make you uncomfortable. Maybe you regularly overcommit to activities or agree to help people because you simply want to be loved and accepted.
. You might feel as if your needs and wants aren’t worth vocalizing, or that you don’t have an identity of your own. Instead, you prioritize what other people want. As a result, people fail to recognize your discomfort.
